For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Can you bring me the toilet please
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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