Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
