Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So many bounce houses so little time
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
