I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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