There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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