Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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