dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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