My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
