Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
