I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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