He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
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the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
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We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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