If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
