Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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