i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
