So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Fuck appropriateness.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
