My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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