Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
