Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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