I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
