pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
