Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
