I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
