Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
