last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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