Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
