I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
