My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
