1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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