I wish my penis had an off switch
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
