Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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