I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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