I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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