Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
