Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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