I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
