Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize