How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
