its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
