in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
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you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
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He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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