My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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