I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
