My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
