Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
