haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
