Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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