lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
