Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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