Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
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Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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