this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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