remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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