it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
are you so shy because you have an std?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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