According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
