John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
