I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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