I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
