I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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