i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
