I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
