and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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