Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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